The Small Beauties

There are definitely moments where I don't appreciate any of the small pleasures bullshit. Some days, the fact that I'm breathing, but in pain, or walking, but slowly, just feel overwhelmingly shitty. And on those days, when someone reminds me to "appreciate the small pleasures," I tend to either spiral down into self-hatred of being ashamed that I'm not more grateful to be alive or spiral up into rage at this person as it feels like they're negating my discomfort.

Not surprisingly, if someone told me to be grateful for what I experienced today, I'd be pretty pissed off. But, since I'm telling you about my own feelings, I get to be pretty happy about the fact that I swum 10 laps today without being stopped by my muscles and tendons. A little context: I love swimming and it is the best exercise for my mental health. But, over this cancer year+ I have been prevented from swimming by my doctors, my treatment, and my own body. Post-surgery and then radiation, I have been experiencing a year of muscle tightness, pain and scar tissue all throughout my pecs, my shoulder, my armpit and my collar bones. So, swimming's been tough.

But, today, while I could feel those tight muscles and I could feel the tingling in my chest, but the pain wasn't enough to stop me and the tightness wasn't enough to hinder me. So, today, I'm celebrating that small beauty. (And you can celebrate with me, but you best not celebrate at me!)